A story behind a snowy day

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“Not one word, not one gesture of yours shall I, could I, ever forget…”
― Leo Tolstoy

Just finished my research presentation. In one word: “meh”
I thought it was a little progress, in fact? Nope… I still need to learn another bunch of text books and mathematical modelling.

“No, Marissa… you can’t use this one.”
“Mmm… you should modify all of the model…”
“Well, we should think how to construct everything further. Okay… forget this agriculture part and forestry, move on to the energy sector. Finish it first, one journal, then we construct for the agriculture and forestry”

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“I can see your hard work, well… I know you can overcome all of these. We just need time and we have it, don’t you think so?”

The last sentence, at last,  was warming my heart in the middle of snowy day.

My mom said every person who has achieved mastery has started their journey to expertise by feeling stupid. By feeling green, you know that you need to learn more. To read more. To exercise more.
And I know that, understand that very well.

But, as an ordinary human, I also think “Oh come on, why it took so long for me to master this?”

Then sometimes, I started to complain… to make a question to God “Why you didn’t bless me mmmmm…. more?”
Silently, become more and more ungrateful human being.

Now, in this point, I realize something…
To be success in studying, you are not only need to focus learn about any specific subject…
but also you need to learn about patience
also need to learn about time management
also need to cheer yourself up when you feel down
also need to smile
also need to…. accepting your self.

In the end, it is more like a process to be a humble person. To learn that “Hei, you are not such a super human”,
to learn that we are not perfect, we will always do some mistakes, we need other people to help, and we always have a chance to stand up again and again and again every time we fall.
In the end, it is about a process to develop our maturity.

In my life, I am already got 3 new year cards from my professor… it means I entered my third year working with him, learn from him. It is my third year to study far from home, just bringing a huge box of my family’s dreams and hopes.
In these period of time, I never forget every single words they already said to me.
I believe, in a certain point in the future, I will make them smile and proud of me 🙂

I know I can make it, it is my promise… witnessed by the snow
absorbed by the earth…
Hopefully, delivered and heard to the God.

When your teacher talks to you…

I think it is also unusual for us to talk heart by heart with our teacher, supervisor, professor, even maybe to our parent. But today I have quite deep conversation with my professor. Actually, it was a casual interview, at first he asked me about my part-time contract, whether I want to continue to work or not. Of course it is an absolute yes. Where else in Japan I can be a researcher, in very nice place, having very nice secretary, teachers, friends, and hey! they speak English very well (I don’t know it is a good side or not hahaha, it makes me lazy to learn Japanese).

But in the end of the interview, I almost cried….
not because my professor doing bad on me, but because he is very kind.

“… I know you will face lots of burden in your research, but you need to encounter it. No matter how hard it will be, you also will find your way to deal with it. I believe, someday you will become a very good researcher, you will work with wider research topics, working with lots of new people from diverse background. More than you know, I believe you are very keen researcher, you just need to meet a right and good team, that’s it. So, in my pray as your teacher and someday maybe your research partner, I always hope you will surrounded by very nice people. With your passion, I believe you can develop every single thing I told you someday. You can make your own achievements and it should be better than what we, your teacher, made

I am rarely hear that from my professor. To be precise… from Japanese.
Oh let me correct it, I never heard that from my teacher.
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When you read this, I don’t know the way your teachers treat you. But in this educational level, some people in my home country (well… of course not all) are more likely to see their student as “rival” rather than “friend” or just simply “student.”
I always appreciate my teacher as my teacher, I come from teacher-family so I know how to appreciate this noble occupation. But along with my higher education, I feel more and more distance with them. Personally, I am always a big fans of all my teachers. No matter how high my education will be, I will never beat something we call “experiences”

I know how poor my ability to show up my true feeling, what is it inside my heart. But, I really love my teacher. And until forever, they always be my teacher… I also hope, until forever they will recognize me as their student.

Cycling back to my home, I can’t forget what my professor said to me that day.
I think I will never be able to reply every kindness he made, so I made a decision….I will make every single hope he made on me become a reality.

 

Deep thought about 2016 and how this year changes me a lot

“Life is not always perfect. Like a road, it has many bends, ups and down, but that’s its beauty.” —Amit Ray from The Voice of a Mountain Bird

It is as many things happened in my life and converts everything from ordinary to the extraordinary journey. Who can expect that now I am becoming a Ph.D. candidate student? Doing research in such a very great place in Japan, surrounded by a very nice person…
Even myself never imagine that I will land my feet to foreign countries.

I met lots of great people on this planet,
Learn new things,
Eat lots of good foods,
enjoy every ups and contempt every down

Without no one know, I cried a lot in the past. I feel alone to face everything new. I didn’t know whether leaving my home country is such a good choice, I didn’t know it is a right decision or not to put my “ear plug” on and stop listening to what almost all people say. Every time I come to my father’s cemetery I always grumbling and said “I don’t know I can handle everything by myself, I really don’t know, you leave us too fast.”

It was a very big question in my life, is it true to leave home?
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I remember if in the middle of this road my younger brother never comes and ask me to go, maybe I will never be at this point. I still remember when he brought his piggy bank and asked me “So if you still not sure, tell me how much I should pay so you can make you flight to Tokyo?”
Have you ever face in your life that there is only one person around you who support you more than you support yourself.

My mom and my family were a little bit doubt about my decision to continue my study, of course for lots of rational reasons which I can understand. But, you always need to make a choice in your life. And you can’t please anyone in your life.

 

***

2 years is passed, I am already gain my master degree, and now… become a super newbie researcher in one Japanese research center under my super nice supervision of my professor. Just like every road, of course there always winding road, gravels, and sometimes you pass a dark tunnel, but after all some light and beautiful scenery awaits.

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To be honest, I think to accept the scholarship offer and listen to my brother is the greatest decision I ever made. I also grateful for every people who encourage me to take a leap in my life.
I am drowning in such a great joy. I am happy and feel lucky to meet new people who can understand me, appreciate my self, appreciate my mind and ideas.
I feel like an alien who wandering around the galaxy, and at last find a planet which inhabited with another alien who can understand me. I feel like, it is okay to be an alien…

 

***

How time can change you?
You learn lots of new things….

You cook….
You grow flowers on your tiny balcony…
You lonely and sad sometimes but you already experienced to handle everything…
You appreciate everything you have…

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And you finally realize that you love all people who love you more than words, more than you can explain, and maybe more than what they know. It is like finding a new querencia* in your life.

I can’t be more grateful, well…maybe I can, I am still waiting what will happen next time in the future.

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*querencia: /spanish/ a place where one feels safe, a place from which one’s strength of character is drawn, a place where one feels at home.