Being an adult…

“God, the most merciful, guide me to be a person with a merciful heart”

translated from “Beranjak Dewasa (Grown up)”sang by Sherina Munaf


I always worry to be a very very very bad evil when I grow up… to be an adult…

I am worry to be a heartless person.

I am worry to be a bad daughter

Worry to be a bad sister

Because I know hot it feels when someone treat you bad. And beyond you can imagine, being hurtful is very easy. Very easy…. because you no need to syncronize your logic with your heart for that. 

You can be a very kind and bright person, but you forget to consider sociological and anthropological side of other people, then BOOM! You will mess up their feeling. 

I learn this precious thing while I am waiting for my mom in the hospital. When you really tired you will have no mood to listen other people prejudice and comment to you. 

Sometimes people can’t see and feel how someone already stressful inside. Already emotionally drained. Some people, maybe majority, try to show how strong they are in front off anyone… but you never know what will they do when they close their door… swipe the curtain. Maybe some of them crying.

Some people, don’t want to watch sad movies because they are very sensitive. My brother, a taekwondo and karate athlete. He always lock his room when he watchs Lion King. Inside, he will spent a roll of tissue to wipe his tears when Mufasa died because killed by Oscar. 

People who never know him will tell that he never cry, unsensitive, always kidding for everything.  

Some grown-up people also will compare between him and I. While we are two different people. I love indoor activities, my brother loves to be outdoor. 

And we have 8 years age gap. 

When my mom sick, when my dad passed away, when we fail to do something. Always some people who pointed our nose, “oh you are wrong” 

What people never want to care is we have so many stories behind the scene that no one never know. We tried our best for everything. 

When I leave my country to study, I was so depressed because I hear people opinion about how bad I am to leave my mom, my brother, to jobless. Smart… but heartless. No one care that until I reach that point I also cried so many times. And my brother is the one who support me the best until the end. My mom is the one who let me go “you should be better than me. You should reach what you want” 

Some people, mainly adult, never care how someone reach one point in their life. 

And I keep praying to the God, I don’t want to grown up if I become that kind of adult. 

It is okay to be a person with critical analysis and opinion. But, don’t you think the “added value” of being an adult is maturity? And it means you can positioned yourself, you can deliver your opinion by considering the psycological side of someone… the timing… everything. 

The trickiest part, even if we already try our best for that, we might still fail for this thing. But, at least we try. And later or soon, hopefully, we can control our manner. 

Hopefully, we can be a better person. 

And maybe become an adult is not as scary as some people imagine. Hopefully. 

(For my brother: thank you… ) 

It is never easy to far from home….


It is never easy to far from home… This month, I got many shocking stories. There was my junior in university who started to continue his study. Something happened, God called him a bit earlier than anybody else. 

There also my friend, almost finish her study…. cancelled her marriage plan. 

There is my friend, in so sudden… admitted that he is a gay. 

There is my friend, who decided to stop continue her study because she thought she couldn’t getting well with the class in her university. 

Some people even finding help, telling that they got mental health problem. 

Some just lonely but don’t know what to do. 

Far from home, every person might hide their own pains behind their happy selfie photos on facebook and instagram. 

For years I write my blog, sometimes I got lots of email from my reader. They told me many things. Sometimes there are people who asked me “are you a psycologist” (and trust me I got that kind of message several times). 

To be honest, when someone told me their problems, I can’t solve their problem. Never… I just can understand that everyone have their own “fight”. I can understand that. 

But, just like any other human in this planet. I also have my own war… my own problem… my own secret. But, I have a great family. I have people I really love and I know they want to see me as a great person. Not such a grumpy weak woman. So, every time I want to cry… well, I cry! But then wipe it as soon as possible. 

Today, I got a news… my mom in the hospital. And then I run as fast as possible to the airport. Finding a flight tonight. 

I feel tired, worry, panic, 

But… my brother, ish he must be felt that more than me. 

To be far home is hard… it such a big lie that “distance is never a matter”. Distance obviously a matter. 

So, for all my friends who far from home…. take care. Something might be happen. But God know that you can pass it, then we… in another leap of time, might be a better and stronger person.

Really… take care. For your good, and for all people you love and love you. 

(Haneda Airport, August 2017) 

A story behind a snowy day

dsc_0636

“Not one word, not one gesture of yours shall I, could I, ever forget…”
― Leo Tolstoy

Just finished my research presentation. In one word: “meh”
I thought it was a little progress, in fact? Nope… I still need to learn another bunch of text books and mathematical modelling.

“No, Marissa… you can’t use this one.”
“Mmm… you should modify all of the model…”
“Well, we should think how to construct everything further. Okay… forget this agriculture part and forestry, move on to the energy sector. Finish it first, one journal, then we construct for the agriculture and forestry”

.
.
.
.

“I can see your hard work, well… I know you can overcome all of these. We just need time and we have it, don’t you think so?”

The last sentence, at last,  was warming my heart in the middle of snowy day.

My mom said every person who has achieved mastery has started their journey to expertise by feeling stupid. By feeling green, you know that you need to learn more. To read more. To exercise more.
And I know that, understand that very well.

But, as an ordinary human, I also think “Oh come on, why it took so long for me to master this?”

Then sometimes, I started to complain… to make a question to God “Why you didn’t bless me mmmmm…. more?”
Silently, become more and more ungrateful human being.

Now, in this point, I realize something…
To be success in studying, you are not only need to focus learn about any specific subject…
but also you need to learn about patience
also need to learn about time management
also need to cheer yourself up when you feel down
also need to smile
also need to…. accepting your self.

In the end, it is more like a process to be a humble person. To learn that “Hei, you are not such a super human”,
to learn that we are not perfect, we will always do some mistakes, we need other people to help, and we always have a chance to stand up again and again and again every time we fall.
In the end, it is about a process to develop our maturity.

In my life, I am already got 3 new year cards from my professor… it means I entered my third year working with him, learn from him. It is my third year to study far from home, just bringing a huge box of my family’s dreams and hopes.
In these period of time, I never forget every single words they already said to me.
I believe, in a certain point in the future, I will make them smile and proud of me 🙂

I know I can make it, it is my promise… witnessed by the snow
absorbed by the earth…
Hopefully, delivered and heard to the God.

“Smarter Indonesian marry faster”, really?

I don’t understand why but there is always random person who come to me and ask something or just do a random chit-chat. Except to my family and best friends, I am very quiet, so sometimes I am impressed by people who started conversation to me. But, I am not in a mood because I need to prepare my presentation, and as I told before I need to recover my health. I should cook healthy meal, have a healthy lifestyle, and warm my room so I can recover fast.

Tadaaaa… then I got a short chat from someone tonight. About what? About marriage. It is not my first and second time people talking about this thing with me.  So, he shows me a recent study that people in Indonesia, whom more educated, marry faster.
Mmm… so I am not really educated Indonesian because my only boyfriend is my fat fluffy yellow cat in my home (he has obesity problem now, so my brother always bring him to do some exercise :p I still love him). Because I am lazy to write about it so I simply made a comic strip to describe our conversation.

full

It is worrisome about Indonesian health condition.
Whenever you go in Indonesia, they will be proud “We are so healthy and strong, although there are lots of street snacks mixed by textile dyes, formalin, borax, etc.”

I remember when my mom entered hospital, there was also foreigner from Japan who entered the ICU after ate meatballs :’D Of course, in Japan everything are clean and hygienic. I am not kidding, you can see me as an example, I feel good but I am sick inside. You should be very careful to choose street snack in Indonesia.

So, are Indonesian healthy and strong? Not really, our life expectancy rate only 65-67 years old. While in developed countries it is already 70-80 years old. Here in Japan, you can see elderly above 80 years old still healthy and do their activity as usual.

I don’t want to debate my nice friend but, I have another two points to criticize:
1. Making conclusion in scientific research is not easy, especially in social science. You need to consider every cause and probability. So, be mind about that.
2. I am not an expert, but marriage…. ah marriage. I think people should marry when they are ready, not because they are lonely, or because they afraid of sickness in the future. You want to make someone happier isn’t it? So, I think if then I decide to marry someone, it might be because he can persuade me that he can make me happier, and in the same time I am ready to make him in better off condition, it is about a long term commitment to be friend forever. I am not sure this “heart” things can be quantify by statistic or any quantitative research.

However, if you already love someone, you ready, kindly marry her/him, be happy. When you really in love sincerely with someone, you will have no reason to leave them 🙂 trust me…