A story behind a snowy day

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“Not one word, not one gesture of yours shall I, could I, ever forget…”
― Leo Tolstoy

Just finished my research presentation. In one word: “meh”
I thought it was a little progress, in fact? Nope… I still need to learn another bunch of text books and mathematical modelling.

“No, Marissa… you can’t use this one.”
“Mmm… you should modify all of the model…”
“Well, we should think how to construct everything further. Okay… forget this agriculture part and forestry, move on to the energy sector. Finish it first, one journal, then we construct for the agriculture and forestry”

.
.
.
.

“I can see your hard work, well… I know you can overcome all of these. We just need time and we have it, don’t you think so?”

The last sentence, at last,  was warming my heart in the middle of snowy day.

My mom said every person who has achieved mastery has started their journey to expertise by feeling stupid. By feeling green, you know that you need to learn more. To read more. To exercise more.
And I know that, understand that very well.

But, as an ordinary human, I also think “Oh come on, why it took so long for me to master this?”

Then sometimes, I started to complain… to make a question to God “Why you didn’t bless me mmmmm…. more?”
Silently, become more and more ungrateful human being.

Now, in this point, I realize something…
To be success in studying, you are not only need to focus learn about any specific subject…
but also you need to learn about patience
also need to learn about time management
also need to cheer yourself up when you feel down
also need to smile
also need to…. accepting your self.

In the end, it is more like a process to be a humble person. To learn that “Hei, you are not such a super human”,
to learn that we are not perfect, we will always do some mistakes, we need other people to help, and we always have a chance to stand up again and again and again every time we fall.
In the end, it is about a process to develop our maturity.

In my life, I am already got 3 new year cards from my professor… it means I entered my third year working with him, learn from him. It is my third year to study far from home, just bringing a huge box of my family’s dreams and hopes.
In these period of time, I never forget every single words they already said to me.
I believe, in a certain point in the future, I will make them smile and proud of me 🙂

I know I can make it, it is my promise… witnessed by the snow
absorbed by the earth…
Hopefully, delivered and heard to the God.

Is it”useless” to be a good reader [?]

Language is to be spoken not to be read. That’s what my friend said to me. Very “motivational”

Then it become the worst news for a person like me. I just learn new language because (at first) I really want to read books :’D
I get bored with my English and Indonesian books, then I started to buy French books…
then in Japan I found lots of interesting magazine and books, so I started to buy them and read them.
Am I able to speak Japanese or French fluently? no, not at all 😦

my lovely magazines and a nice electronic dictionary I got from second hand shop :p


And because I don’t really like speaking and very quiet, so at first I feel that’s not such a big deal. I mean, I have books I really want to read, everything are set, and perfect!
Until I am working in one research center in Japan, and I feel sad because I can’t communicate very well with them except by e-mail!
Yes I can read their e-mail… (well beside there is also very kind, nice, and handy google translate)
but when it comes to speaking? A…A….I….I….E….E….

Arrrghhhhhh~~~

It slaps me a lot when I failed on my Japanese proficiency test. I just got “A” in reading, but the other? pfffftt…..
And I just fail by ONE SCORE! Yes, one score!!! So I assumed, maybe…., I got perfect in reading but somehow die in listening and so on. But fail just by lack of one score is nothing but kill you so much.
So, if you want to learn a new language now, here… I will give you a very wise suggestion DO NOT START FROM READING!

No, no… close your novel now… go outside, and speak! speak! speak!
今から話しましょう!
読書は便利ですが、日常の中であまり役に立たない

The problem is, I am so afraid if I am talking in such not polite way hahhahhaa. Working as researcher makes me communicate with professors more often. And it is intimidate me so much, I can’t talk to them in such casual daily conversation 😱

To be honest sometimes I feel envy with my friends who have better auditory skill, that’s  more convenient if you want to learn language. I think I am very visual person, I can remember everything I see and read. I feel like avatar now, already learn 2 elements: wind and water, but still zero in mastering fire and earth.

Well, cheer up Marissa

Keep your head up…. In my office there is a “theme song” for us, it always sing by our choir club every year. The title is 何度でも(なんどでも).

The refrain part if the song is:

10000回(かい)だめでかっこ悪(わる)くても
10001回目(かいめ)は何(なに)か変(か)わるかもしれない

If I am not mistakenly translate it (and you always can doubt my translation 😋): even if you already fail for 10000 times, and it makes you look so bad, keep trying because in the 10001st trials, something will change and it will be better.

That’s my tafsir version hahhahaha. But it motivates me very much. 

I remember my dad told me “Kak, if someday you feel tired for what you already fight for, just try again before you decide to give up. Just try again and again until even God impressed with what you are doing”

World, good luck 🤗